A Mother"s Greif

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed~psalm 34:18
How long must i struggle with the anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? psalm 13:2
Why am i discouraged?  Why is my heart so sad? psalm 42:5

Death is a part of life. Most of us have experienced sadness and grief that comes when a close friend or family member pass's away. Sometimes its easy to handle and others its not that easy. We tend to go through the different stages of grief from one to the other, and yet the one thing many of us lack is how to go through the grief process in a godly way. God seems to be the very one who is not even in our minds and many of us will blame God for our loss.
   When a mother lose's her child, its is always a devastating feeling. many parents have a strong belief that is is unethical to bury a child before we die. We feel its better that the child bury us first. But no matter the age of the child or how long we had the child in our lives the pain is still the same.
   Upon a few weeks ago i experienced something I never in my life dreamed i would have to ever feel. I went in to second trimester labor at 18 weeks gestation with no warning signs at all. I remember those last 24 hours all seemed like a dream i was in, and i would be waking up soon from the nightmare. I loss my child so early on and yet so later in pregnancy that it didn't seem right for God to allow me to carry a child this far as to seeing it was a baby boy, and feeling his movements. It just didn't seem right to me for God to allow such a pain to be put on me.
   After being wheeled out of the hospital with nothing but a memory box with pictures of my baby,  I still felt i was in a dream. I was in deep denial. the first stage of grief. It did not hit me until i went home that morning from the hospital and see the look on my younger daughter face asking me where is the baby?  At that very moment reality slapped me right in the face. 
   Over the next month I fought hard not to let depression come over me. I started to blame my self, i wanted to blame the doctors and the hospital, i wonted to blame someone for what happened.  I then turned my blame to God asking him why did he let this happen to me, and why did he not just take the baby in early pregnancy.  I was so angry with God, and that is when the devil tried to step in to speak to me.
   The devil will wait right until you are at your lowest point and take that and use it to try to make you doubt God. But i know God as my Lord and father. As hard as it was for me began to pray and walk my living room just pouring my heart out and tears to God. (Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy Psalms 126:5) I began to have restless nights and i would just sit up staring at the walls of my bedroom and when i did finally drift off to sleep i would always wake up at the very hour my baby son was born. I started having dreams about babies and people that i knew in the natural was pregnant or had babies; i was dreaming that they was giving me their babies.
   The pain of losing a child at the womb is the kind of pain i would not wish on anyone. To carry that life in you, to hear those first sounds of a heartbeat, on to seeing that life moving around inside of you and to start feeling the little kicks and punches. Just when your are at your happiest moments of finally feeling your little one, he or she is gone in a split second.
   The vast of the world do not look at women who lose their babies while still in the womb as they actually had babies. The world does not know the true pain that comes with the loss of a child in the womb.  We must stand to treat these women as any other mother who loses a child later on in life.  Women who may be going through this carry these burdens for a life time and from my recent encounters with women who have loss a child at the womb say that they still hurt and weep for their children they loss at the womb or at birth.
   I wont to just give some encouragement to someone dealing with the loss at birth or in the womb, that you baby was given to you, and it was not your fault, God chose you to carry that angel for him. We may not ever understand why God gave us a life to carry and then he took it away, but in some sort of way I feel honored to have carried an angel for our father in heaven. I keep thinking of the scripture, Jeremiah 1:5" I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations." If God knew us before he formed us then he knew our  babies and since they are without sin they can not be judged, and i strongly believe that our babies are at our fathers feet in their heavenly form watching over us with the rest of the angels. "But Jesus said, "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children"Matthew 19:14.
   The pain pain may never leave your hearts, but we must hold fast to Gods promise to us and seek the peace he will give us in dealing with the loss of a baby. The Lord will not put more on us than we can bare, even though it seems like can't, he knows us better than we know our selves. One day you will be able to share your testimony with someone else who needs to hear your story.
Psalms 40:1-3
1 I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
    and he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
    out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
    and steadied me as I walked along.
3 He has given me a new song to sing,
    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
    They will put their trust in the Lord