It has been 6 months since my car accident. I haven’t really voiced how I feel about it, I almost don’t know how to feel about it. It’s like I’m still in a time-warp or some kind of dream that I am still to wake up from. I have had several near-death experiences throughout my life, but this one experience my whole life flashed in my head, its like time stood still for those few seconds of spinning across the highway.
I was driving into my hometown of El Dorado, AR about 4 hours from Dallas, TX for my dad’s funeral the following Saturday. I got 25 min outside of my hometown and someone rear-ended me from behind as I was driving down the highway, right now I do not know if she was texting or just not paying attention to my brake lights, as I was slowing down for a log truck making a right turn in front of me. She hit me pretty hard as the speed limit is 55 on that highway, and I was slowing down, and she hit me at full speed or faster.
Those few seconds seemed like everything was moving in slow motion. I remember hearing the sound of glass breaking, and metal bending,my daughter screaming and moaning in pain. She was in the back seat asleep. I turned my head to see her holding on the seat as my car was spiraling across the highway. All I could do was say to myself please don’t let this be the end.
I must have blanked out for a few moments as I shook my head and got out of the car to try to let what just happened register to my brain. I was frantically looking for my phone, and my daughter called it for me so I could find it in the rubble in the floor of the car. As I kept talking to her, she went into shock, and wouldn’t talk, followed by some absent silent seizures. I called my mom, and my boyfriend to let them know what had happened.
An off-duty firefighter stopped to help with my daughter until the EMT arrived. My boyfriend showed up really fast to make sure I was ok and an aunt of mine came and picked me up to take me to the hospital where they took my daughter. I took a moment to look at my car and it was a very horrifying scene to look at. My whole trunk was in the back seat, my back window was shattered, the back-passenger tire axel was broken, my fuel tank was on the ground, it looked like metal wrapped around metal from the back of the car. Like some-one had took an ice-cream scoop and scooped the whole back of my car out.
My daughter suffered a minor brain injury, causing a two week long, “post-concussion syndrome disorder”, causing 2-hour long episodes of confusion, unable to talk, she went from a 16-year-old to a 2-year-old, with a small amount of understanding. It really broke me down to see my very lively daughter in this condition.
I forgot to mention earlier that I was on my way into town to bury my father who had passed away a week before. I didn’t have time to mourn him, due to me worrying about the condition my daughter was in. As I type this now, she is still recovering, and I am thankful to God that it wasn’t worse than what it was. I am thankful that this lady didn’t push my car into the log truck. I am thankful that my car did not flip, and I am thankful my car did not explode and catch fire from the impact. I feel bad because I didn’t get to mourn at my father’s funeral, I am sad that I have missed days of work, I am said because my daughter missed school days due to this distracted woman. I am frustrated because me losing my vehicle has now added more stress to my already complicated life.
I could have died on Nov.13,2019, So many things that could have happened and should have happened, but it did not. I have so many emotions right now that all I can say is, “I don’t know, but I am thankful to God!’
Hello little ones, mommy hears you.
I hear you begging me to help you.
I hear your tiny voices in my head, pleading with me to hold on to you.
But, alas, this is a battle that I cannot win.
No one can hear your small cries, but me.
Yet so silent, but so loud in my ear.
Oh, how it pains me to listen to your cry’s, but I can do nothing to save you.
My womb cries out in anguish, for she cannot hold what she was made to hold.
My stomach turns in to knots as you let out your last war cry,” Help Me mommy, I can’t hold on much longer.”
My son’s, the fruit of my broken womb.
I have failed you, each of you I have failed.
I felt you moving, doing your best to let me know that you are there.
I fought just as hard, but my fight was not strong enough.
It broke my heart to listen to your cries, cries from my womb.
Cry’s that slowly vanished as each of you slipped off into eternal rest.
Cry’s from my womb, a sound I can never erase from my memory.
Cry’s from my womb.
Who am I?
I don’t know the person in this mirror.
She’s old and wrinkled.
That couldn’t be me.
I’m young and beautiful.
Who am I?
I move around slow.
I cant see good.
I don’t need a diaper!
Where are all my teeth?
Why do I need this walker?
I can walk just fine.
I’m afraid, please don’t leave me alone.
I don’t understand?
Who is this woman looking back at me in the mirror?
That can’t be me.
Someone please take me home.
How did get to this place?
Where is my husband? we just got married.
I’m not 75 years old!
Shut up! I’m not that woman in the mirror.
Help me please!
Who am I?
Can You Love A Woman Like Me?
Love me for me.
Love the God in me.
Love me for my personality.
Love me for my unfailing heart.
Love me for the mother that I am to my children.
Love me for my ideas.
Love the strong woman in me.
Love me for my gifts.
Yeah it’s good to like my looks.
Yeah it’s good to like me as mate.
But don’t love me for my body.
Don’t love me for sex.
The bible says he that finds a wife finds a good thing and is highly favored with God!
I am that virtuous proverbs 31 woman.
Yes I am different from other women.
That is what makes me unique.
Don’t waste your time trying to understand me.
Who can truly love a woman like me?
I am unique.
Don't try to understand me.
You'll waste a lifetime trying.
There will never be another like me.
I am different, so I have been told.
My personality is rare and confusing to some.
I am a beautiful strong black woman.
I am easy to love.
And when I love, I love from the depths of my soul.
I speak my mind boldly, and don't bite my tongue just to hold the truth.
I do what it takes to survive.
My kid wont for nothing, God had blessed me with enough, because I am not full of greed.
Look into my eyes and you will find a deep mystery, which will leave you wanting to look deeper.
Can you handle a woman like me?
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed~psalm 34:18
How long must i struggle with the anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? psalm 13:2
Why am i discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? psalm 42:5
Death is a part of life. Most of us have experienced sadness and grief that comes when a close friend or family member pass's away. Sometimes its easy to handle and others its not that easy. We tend to go through the different stages of grief from one to the other, and yet the one thing many of us lack is how to go through the grief process in a godly way. God seems to be the very one who is not even in our minds and many of us will blame God for our loss.
When a mother lose's her child, its is always a devastating feeling. many parents have a strong belief that is is unethical to bury a child before we die. We feel its better that the child bury us first. But no matter the age of the child or how long we had the child in our lives the pain is still the same.
Upon a few weeks ago i experienced something I never in my life dreamed i would have to ever feel. I went in to second trimester labor at 18 weeks gestation with no warning signs at all. I remember those last 24 hours all seemed like a dream i was in, and i would be waking up soon from the nightmare. I loss my child so early on and yet so later in pregnancy that it didn't seem right for God to allow me to carry a child this far as to seeing it was a baby boy, and feeling his movements. It just didn't seem right to me for God to allow such a pain to be put on me.
After being wheeled out of the hospital with nothing but a memory box with pictures of my baby, I still felt i was in a dream. I was in deep denial. the first stage of grief. It did not hit me until i went home that morning from the hospital and see the look on my younger daughter face asking me where is the baby? At that very moment reality slapped me right in the face.
Over the next month I fought hard not to let depression come over me. I started to blame my self, i wanted to blame the doctors and the hospital, i wonted to blame someone for what happened. I then turned my blame to God asking him why did he let this happen to me, and why did he not just take the baby in early pregnancy. I was so angry with God, and that is when the devil tried to step in to speak to me.
The devil will wait right until you are at your lowest point and take that and use it to try to make you doubt God. But i know God as my Lord and father. As hard as it was for me began to pray and walk my living room just pouring my heart out and tears to God. (Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy Psalms 126:5) I began to have restless nights and i would just sit up staring at the walls of my bedroom and when i did finally drift off to sleep i would always wake up at the very hour my baby son was born. I started having dreams about babies and people that i knew in the natural was pregnant or had babies; i was dreaming that they was giving me their babies.
The pain of losing a child at the womb is the kind of pain i would not wish on anyone. To carry that life in you, to hear those first sounds of a heartbeat, on to seeing that life moving around inside of you and to start feeling the little kicks and punches. Just when your are at your happiest moments of finally feeling your little one, he or she is gone in a split second.
The vast of the world do not look at women who lose their babies while still in the womb as they actually had babies. The world does not know the true pain that comes with the loss of a child in the womb. We must stand to treat these women as any other mother who loses a child later on in life. Women who may be going through this carry these burdens for a life time and from my recent encounters with women who have loss a child at the womb say that they still hurt and weep for their children they loss at the womb or at birth.
I wont to just give some encouragement to someone dealing with the loss at birth or in the womb, that you baby was given to you, and it was not your fault, God chose you to carry that angel for him. We may not ever understand why God gave us a life to carry and then he took it away, but in some sort of way I feel honored to have carried an angel for our father in heaven. I keep thinking of the scripture, Jeremiah 1:5" I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations." If God knew us before he formed us then he knew our babies and since they are without sin they can not be judged, and i strongly believe that our babies are at our fathers feet in their heavenly form watching over us with the rest of the angels. "But Jesus said, "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children"Matthew 19:14.
The pain pain may never leave your hearts, but we must hold fast to Gods promise to us and seek the peace he will give us in dealing with the loss of a baby. The Lord will not put more on us than we can bare, even though it seems like can't, he knows us better than we know our selves. One day you will be able to share your testimony with someone else who needs to hear your story.
1 I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
3 He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord
If God judged everyone based off their sins and mistakes we all would be dead! So why do we judge people when they make mistakes, there is always room for change, and if there is a God then anyone can change. We need to stop judging others, and speaking death over them and nailing them to the cross. We need to be encouraging them instead of tearing them down with our our tongues. because we have no cross to be trying to hang someone else on, and if we see some one has or having a problem or they have committed a wrong doing, we quickly put our mouth on them to their face or behind their back only tearing them down more than what they are doing to their own self.
Proverbs 18:21 says, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof." The words that we speak, are they life or death, do they give us hope or discouragement?
Has anyone ever said something negative to you, and you just wilted and felt like you had died inside, or perhaps they said some beautiful words to you, then you just blossomed like a flower. This is the way of the tongue. Let us, therefore, tend to life with our tongue, which may seem to be an impossible task; but be assured with God all things are possible (Mk 9:23). We will and shall be able to tame the tongue and only speak living words of life and reality.
In Proverbs 26:20 we also find these words: "Where no wood is, there the fire goes out: so where there is no talebearer, the strife ceases." When our wood, hay and stubble are consumed, the carnal fire has gone out, but the eternal flame of God will burn forever.
"And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defiles the whole body, and sets on fire the course of nature; and is set on fire of hell, for every kind of beast, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, is tamed, and hath been tamed of mankind: But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.”
Therewith bless God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God. Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be. Doth a fountain send forth at the same place sweet water and bitter?" (Jms.3:6-11).
It doesn't matter what someone has done to you are what someone is doing, if you can't come to them and say brother or sister let me pray with you and for you for your deliverance, then we should not kill them with our own mouths. Do not speak death over them by telling them they will never change because you are not God and with God all things are possible.
When we began to speak death over others it is a form of witchcraft, and the more we speak negative of others the more we began to speak things into existence. I myself try to be careful with my words when I am angry or upset with someone, because at that time is when our tongues work the most, and it is also the time when we tend to say the first and most hurtful things that come to our minds. I learned a meaning of this in a phycology class, when we do this it’s called “transfer of emotions off one to another”, meaning that whatever a person has done to us we want to try to make them feel the hurt that they have caused us. So we do this with that little pink thing in our mouths.
Even when we know what we are saying will hurt the person, we still go forth with letting the hurt flow out of our mouths. Sometimes a person can be such a good friend, sister, brother, cousin, boy or girlfriend but they can kill you with one sentence from their lips... there is another saying that, “actions speaks louder than words”. Well that’s a two side statement because no matter how good of a person someone may show you they are, when they get angry with you, their mouth begins to speak things that instantly bring tears to your eyes, and you feel as if that person has literally slapped you in the face, or they have taken a dagger and pierced through to your soul.
Let us pray for our own tongues to be tamed, so that we will not tear someone down even more, that is already bound, being an enemy to their own self, or someone who has fallen into a spiritual death, because at the end of the day when we stop and think about our own lives and what wrongs we are doing on a daily basis, if you and the person you have your mouth on tearing them down; if the both of you died right now in the middle of your own sins, without the chance to repent, you both would be going to a burning hell.
As when the men of the village brought the woman to Jesus to stone her, and as he began to write in the sand, he only spoke these words, “he that is without sin cast the first stone”, and they all disappeared, before he finished writing. I believe that he was writing down sins that each of them was committing.
In my closing I am not saying that we should not be upset or express our hurt that someone else has caused us, or we should not go to a person that we see needs some changes in their life, but it’s how we go and how we talk to the person. And if we are to go to others with this person’s issues, it should not be to gossip, but to gather together and pray for the individual. Let us pray for the heart of God to enter into us so that we will view others through the eyes of God and not our own eyes.
Church hurt is a touchy subject; a subject many people run from it because of fear of what others will think about them if they open up and talk about it, but, what about when it happens to you? You have been with a ministry for so long and then one day, BOOM! You feel betrayed, hurt, confused, and angry. The very place that you thought was your shield of protection has now fallen apart.
I have found out that a lot of church hurt happens in small ministries and people who don’t attend a church all say the same things. They say things like, “church folks are to messy, how can a church so small have so many negative issues and, the pastor is sinning more than the members.” As Christians its time that we start praying for all ministries and leaders, because when leadership is messed up it trickles down to membership and the whole church is messed up, and when you have those few members that subdue the hurt, and it causes them to fall or go back in to the world..
Many people are left in the dark when it happens to them, they don’t know where to go or what to do. They have in their minds that the church is supposed to be the safe haven from the outside hurts of the world. Some may even turn back to the world because of someone in the church hurting them and some will still continue their walk with God, but have the mentality that they are not going to join any more ministries, for fear of being hurt again.
So, who do we blame? Do we blame the members, the people in the leadership positions, or the pastors? I would say that from personal experiences I don’t blame the person, but I blame the devil who is working through them, and from these experiences, as well as observing others who have been hurt, I have learned that that hurter is usually the ones in leadership positions. The one who a person would think would have their back and be there for them.
Some seasoned Christians would say, “You shouldn’t let anyone run you away from your church.” Well that is a two-sided statement because sometimes it is time to leave, because you will find yourself sitting in church looking up side the person head that has hurt you, and you miss out on the word that has went forth for that day.
You have exhausted all measures to fix an issue that you have with the person who has wronged you. You have told them personally that they hurt you, you may have even turned to quoting scripture to them, but yet he or she continues to hurt you. So you take the next step and take your issue to the elders and the pastors, and here is where the real problem starts. The heads of the church overlook and your issue that you have presented to them, and now your issue are with not only the person or persons who have wronged you from the start, but now with the leaders. So you next move is you quit your church, and by doing so, you become the talk of the church, only adding more hurt to your heart.
Now I can’t say that leaving the ministry is the answer to every problem, but once you lose faith and trust in anyone in leadership you are not going to be able to receive anything they say. You will feel like you are not important enough to them, and that’s when all the emotions overtake you. Now, sometimes issues may not come from the leader themselves and leaving the church may not be the best first option, but ways try to resolve an issue before leaving.
I have one simple cure for church hurt and that is FORGIVENESS. It’s a natural feeling to feel hurt and pain from those who we thought would have us covered spiritually. So first acknowledge to the person or persons that they have hurt you, and forgive them. And, in the event that they don’t apologize, don’t spend time focusing on it or become angry and revengeful, because you will open up the door for the enemy to start working in you and you will give that person power over you, and will allow them to steal your joy. A lot of times the person who has hurt you, has so much hurt bottled up on the inside of them that they can’t relate to anyone without being hurtful.
Upon deciding to leave the ministry you are a part of, always seek council from God. Don’t let anyone belittle you because you left your church, it’s really no one’s business why you left in the first place. During this time stop, take a breather and pray for the courage to forgive from your heart. We all know that when faith and trust has walked out the door, it’s very hard to get it back, so when issues like this present itself in your life take up time fasting and praying for direction.
If your heart was at this ministry, also take some time for your heart to heal and pray that God lead you to where you need to be during your healing process and, sometimes after spiritual growth in you and the hurter, God may just put you back in each other’s path to reconnect, but if not then it is just time to move on; because if you spend time worrying about why things happened the way they did, you will only delay yourself of the healing that God wants you to have.
Sometimes i wonder what goes on in the minds of the molester. we all try to make up excuses for our sins, but still we have to look at the spiritual as well as reality wise. but do we give those in the church a slap on the wrist for lusting after the little girls in the church, and just say oh they know better we just gone pray for thier healing of this . or do we get them the help they need. or do we just throw away the key and say the _____ with them. Hmmm? well i think personally that it starts with the molester, first do they know that they have a problem? do they want to stop? are they even tring to stop?
I was molested at the age of 9 up to 15 years old, by two diffrent men, one a drummer in a gospel group,and the other was a pastor, and at the time i wasnt the only little girl lthat these men was molesting, they also had wives and daughters of thier own. so how do we know when its all an act with the men in the church with high postions, well to be honest unless God gives you the spiritual eyes to see you wont know. so my question to my readers is how do we help someone who knows they have a problem but dont really want to come out of what they are in. In my book "Decisions i stated when we have these issues do we blame others,our parents, other adults that did the same thing to us when we was kids, do we blame generational cures or do we just blame that good old flesh of ours. well i feel that when a person continues do do wrong, lusting after young girls. cheating on there wives, and saying i know i have a problem but want stop. its non of the above fault but one and thats their flesh. there is no excuse for sin. its sad when the little girls come to you about a man in the church and tell you he been tring to mess with me and her and this one. and this same man been after you yourself and other women in the church but got a wife at home. one of my favorite sayings is, i will pray and love you from a distance but until you really want help, you want come out of what ever you are in.
Many of Gods people are experiencing the pressure of life weighing them down. To some it may seem very unbearable, and to others we simply try to avoid it and even some sit and do nothing. Lets start off by defining what the word pressure means below.
1. The process of pressing steadily.
2. Constant state of worry and urgency
3. Forces that pushes or urges
· the applying of a firm regular weight or force against somebody or something
· powerful and stressful demands on somebody's time, attention, and energy, or demand of this sort
· something that affects thoughts and behavior in a powerful way, usually in the form of several outside influences working together persuasively
I just want to encourage, first myself and to anyone reading this that we must not give in to the enemy. As in Luke 22:31 states the following;” And the Lord said, Simon, Simon, behold, Satan has desired to have you, that he may sift you as wheat.” The devil has magnified our problems so big until we feel as though we can’t handle them. He has literally taken the very test that God is putting us through or taking our wilderness experience that we are in and he is trying to use it to destroy us and get us to throw in the towel and give up right in the middle or for some you may be right at the brink of your blessing and the enemy is working overtime to get you so off focus that you forfeit your blessing.
I can speak on this because of the place I am in right now. God never said life would be peaches and cream always, and even as I type I am seeing this in my own life, because I have been feeling like the pressure’s in my life has gotten to heavy for me to carry. When we began to feel like this the enemy will try to inflict all kinds of bad emotions upon us, and with that comes different satanic spirits that will try to attach themselves to us to try to keep us in a dark place.
During the times when we feel like we cant stand the pressures we must
first keep our faith in God that he has not forgotten about us, and go through
the process of what ever is pressuring you, second we must find ourselves
fasting and praying until we see a change in our situation. Thirdly we must arm
ourselves with the full armor of God. “Therefore take unto you the whole armor
of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all,
to stand. Ephesians 6:13”.
I just want to encourage anyone who may be thinking of throwing in the
towel spiritually, or physically, not to do it. Remember God has not forgotten about you, and the pressure you are feeling from your current circumstances are only tests of your faith, so please stand with me and go threw it because on the other side is a great reward.
Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of
peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end."
in todays world we define love as a emotion that we feel, but how do we really show love? is it in our actions, is it unspoken body language, or is it only shown through physcial and sexual contact is it being financially stable, i believe that it is all the above, if you have one thats lacking then you may want to reevaulate the person who says they love you. in many marriages they lead to divorce because eathier you got the physcial, sexual, and emotional part but its lacking the stablility of someone being responsible for one's self and fiamily. and it always the one that doing the lacking the seems to believe that they are not wrong, or sometimes its they both are financialy stable but lacking the physcial, sexual, and emotional. so eathier way you cant have one with out the other. we push people to stay together becaue thats Gods way, but sometimes we can lack the one thing he gave us which is common sense. as christians we should push are brothers and sisters to stay in their marriages, but there is a limit to how far you push. i know from personal experiences that if you push a person to far it can confuse them to a point until they may not be able to make their own mind up and they will base decisons on what you or others want them to do. I have a motto and will stand by it, its hard to give martial advice to any couple when you are not inbetween the walls with that couple, its good to share your on personal experiences, but never tell a couple they have to or they need to do this, because you are not there with them, you are only looking from the outside and, listening to what each indivdual has to say, but in many broken marriages each person, (wife or husband) is not going to tell you everything, so thats why we must only tell couples to seek God in it, and be lead by God. and tell a person that you will pray for them, and that God's will be done. just as people use certian things in the bible and turn it around. we must not do this with marriage vows. here something for you to think aobut, "WHAT GOD HAS PUT TOGETHER LET NO MAN PUT ASUNDER. " ok we as people sometimes dont wait on God so we put our selves together and thats when we are out of the will of God. and then comes the hell that we could have avoided if we had waited on God. secondly, "IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH, FOR RICHER OR POORER". you can disagree if you want but this is my personal view, when both are doing what they susposed to do, not to many finincal storms will come up. but if you are just plain out lazy and you are the caue of your own storm and you are doing nothing to make it leave, then you cant throw for richer or poorer up. if you are sick or disabled and it has caused you to loose your job then yes stick by each other thats something unfixable unless Gods changes your heatlh. many people say you said your vows b4 God and the people yes but God forgives and if your marriage fails dont think that he want forgive you and want send who he has for you to you. this time you must truly wait on him. dont let people beat you down because of your marriage failing or if you left becaue your wife or husband was not doing what they suspposed to do. its ok t seek spiritual marriage guidance but always make your own choices becaue at the end of the day you are the one who has to go home with your spouse and only you and God know whats in your heart. do i speak off personal experiences?, yes i do. always use common sense and it takes two doing everything it takes to keep a marriage together, just as it takes two to mess one up. always seek God in what you should do, and when you get your answer please my friend do what he says, because it could save your marriage, dont be slowfuly at all.