As I sit here looking at this blank screen, I have so many thoughts and emotions running through my mind. Everything is all jumbled up in my head. Sometimes i feel like imp about to lose my mind. I have fallen tremendously from God until my flesh has just about taken total control. I don’t feel worthy of this life, of my kids, or even be in the presence of God, i can’t sugar coat anything about my life, i am a sinner on my way to hell. But who do i blame? Do i blame generational curses, a bad childhood, other people, the devil, or is it all my fault? The weight of the world is on me, my spirit cries out from the pits of my belly, my flesh has took hold of my neck and is slowly squeezing the life out of me. My heart has hardened against myself... “And love”, well it seems as if love has ran from me. It seems as though no one cares, no one even thinks about me, i never get a call from those who say they was for me. My senses are so keen until i can hear their thoughts about me. Am i just a lost hope, has god left me in this wilderness to die, oh how i yearn to be able to run from Sodom and Gomorra. Why me? Why did I have to have this life? I Wish god gave second chances at life.
My mind is so corrupt, that I can’t even say a prayer. When i open my mouth to speak, nothing comes out; my sinful thoughts consume my mind. It’s like a raging hurricane in my mind beating up on the coastline of my spirit, with its sole purpose to drown me. I have lost everything except my life, and what is a life when it’s full of strife and hurt. I want to call on God but i am too ashamed to call on him. Sometimes i want to cry but no tears will fall from my eyes. I don’t want this life at all. Do i really love God, yes i do, but then how can i say i do if i don’t turn away from temptation. Imp not a bad person like i used to be. I have done so much wrong in my life that i should be dead, in jail or in a mental asylum.
What does it feel like to experience success, love, balance, and a true relationship with God? I curse jezebel for her spirit has attached itself to me right along with many more evil spirits. Ancient ones, i know that they are there, i can feel them, they are comfortable, and they have taken up their tents and rooted their selves. Lord, Jesus please rescue me from myself. Lord when will all my pain and misery stop, i can’t stop these tears form falling from my eyes, i don’t know what to pray for, i don’t know what to say , or even if you hear me at all. Lord I’m sorry, for my sins, am I wrong for pitying myself. Am i wrong for sitting here crying for something i brought on my own self...? What do i do? I have no money, i have no food hardly, the more i try the more i go backwards/. Lord imp so lonely and my flesh are so weak. I just want a companion. But i what do i do about love, why can’t i experience true love. Lord throwing in the towel and ending my life is all in the back of my mind. I don’t want to end my life, but lord imp trying to stay sane as i can. Why do things work in my favor and still be a stumbling block for me.
Is this you? Do you find yourself in that alone stage? When we find ourselves in a place like this, it’s the time that God can have easy access to us, it’s the time when we feel like we are at the lowest point of all, that he will come in and mend your broken heart and fill the voids in your life. But sometimes people miss out on what God is trying to do. He allows things to happen to show us that we need to fully trust him. When we get I these low places God sometimes be the last person we call on? Why? Because we don’t have the true faith that he has told us to have. We put more trust in man than we do God, and that when he has to allow us to be broken down so until we have no choice but to call on him. He doesn’t want to see us hurting like this. I just want to encourage anyone who is in this place that I know it seems like nothing is going your way, it seems as though God has forgotten about you or you feel as though he is punishing you, you may even feel like giving up. Realize that you are in this place because God wants to minister to you and to heal you. He had to get you alone so he could totally build you back up. He wanted you to see those that were not for you, and he wanted you to see that he is the only one who will truly love you like no earthly mate would. He literally wants to break you down so far so that he can raise you back up to be a mighty instrument to the kingdom of God. Take this time to study your bible, read an inspirational book, and began to fast and pray, and began to speak that unspeakable faith and walk in that faith.
God doesn’t want us in these places but in order for him to get the complete glory out of our lives he has to break us. Always remember “YOU BREAKING COMES BEFORE YOU BLESSING AND THERE IS ALWAYS A PLACE BETWEEN THE PROPHECY AN THE PROMISE AND THAT IS THE WILDERNESS.” This process can’t be avoided and if you do, you will only make your stay in the wilderness longer.