As I sit here looking at this blank screen, I have so many thoughts and emotions running through my mind. Everything is all jumbled up in my head. Sometimes i feel like imp about to lose my mind. I have fallen tremendously from God until my flesh has just about taken total control. I don’t feel worthy of this life, of my kids, or even be in the presence of God, i can’t sugar coat anything about my life, i am a sinner on my way to hell. But who do i blame? Do i blame generational curses, a bad childhood, other people, the devil, or is it all my fault? The weight of the world is on me, my spirit cries out from the pits of my belly, my flesh has took hold of my neck and is slowly squeezing the life out of me. My heart has hardened against myself... “And love”, well it seems as if love has ran from me. It seems as though no one cares, no one even thinks about me, i never get a call from those who say they was for me. My senses are so keen until i can hear their thoughts about me. Am i just a lost hope, has god left me in this wilderness to die, oh how i yearn to be able to run from Sodom and Gomorra. Why me? Why did I have to have this life? I Wish god gave second chances at life.
My mind is so corrupt, that I can’t even say a prayer. When i open my mouth to speak, nothing comes out; my sinful thoughts consume my mind. It’s like a raging hurricane in my mind beating up on the coastline of my spirit, with its sole purpose to drown me. I have lost everything except my life, and what is a life when it’s full of strife and hurt. I want to call on God but i am too ashamed to call on him. Sometimes i want to cry but no tears will fall from my eyes. I don’t want this life at all. Do i really love God, yes i do, but then how can i say i do if i don’t turn away from temptation. Imp not a bad person like i used to be. I have done so much wrong in my life that i should be dead, in jail or in a mental asylum.
What does it feel like to experience success, love, balance, and a true relationship with God? I curse jezebel for her spirit has attached itself to me right along with many more evil spirits. Ancient ones, i know that they are there, i can feel them, they are comfortable, and they have taken up their tents and rooted their selves. Lord, Jesus please rescue me from myself. Lord when will all my pain and misery stop, i can’t stop these tears form falling from my eyes, i don’t know what to pray for, i don’t know what to say , or even if you hear me at all. Lord I’m sorry, for my sins, am I wrong for pitying myself. Am i wrong for sitting here crying for something i brought on my own self...? What do i do? I have no money, i have no food hardly, the more i try the more i go backwards/. Lord imp so lonely and my flesh are so weak. I just want a companion. But i what do i do about love, why can’t i experience true love. Lord throwing in the towel and ending my life is all in the back of my mind. I don’t want to end my life, but lord imp trying to stay sane as i can. Why do things work in my favor and still be a stumbling block for me.
Is this you? Do you find yourself in that alone stage? When we find ourselves in a place like this, it’s the time that God can have easy access to us, it’s the time when we feel like we are at the lowest point of all, that he will come in and mend your broken heart and fill the voids in your life. But sometimes people miss out on what God is trying to do. He allows things to happen to show us that we need to fully trust him. When we get I these low places God sometimes be the last person we call on? Why? Because we don’t have the true faith that he has told us to have. We put more trust in man than we do God, and that when he has to allow us to be broken down so until we have no choice but to call on him. He doesn’t want to see us hurting like this. I just want to encourage anyone who is in this place that I know it seems like nothing is going your way, it seems as though God has forgotten about you or you feel as though he is punishing you, you may even feel like giving up. Realize that you are in this place because God wants to minister to you and to heal you. He had to get you alone so he could totally build you back up. He wanted you to see those that were not for you, and he wanted you to see that he is the only one who will truly love you like no earthly mate would. He literally wants to break you down so far so that he can raise you back up to be a mighty instrument to the kingdom of God. Take this time to study your bible, read an inspirational book, and began to fast and pray, and began to speak that unspeakable faith and walk in that faith.
God doesn’t want us in these places but in order for him to get the complete glory out of our lives he has to break us. Always remember “YOU BREAKING COMES BEFORE YOU BLESSING AND THERE IS ALWAYS A PLACE BETWEEN THE PROPHECY AN THE PROMISE AND THAT IS THE WILDERNESS.” This process can’t be avoided and if you do, you will only make your stay in the wilderness longer.
James 1: 12-15 KJV
12 Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him.
13 Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man:
14 But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed.
15 Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.
Sometimes i sit back and look back over my life and look at how I easily fell into temptations. It was just as my momma sitting a plate of cookies on the table and telling me not to eat one, and as soon as she turned her back, I-ate-one. Seriously!
Some of us are just like that now and we call ourselves blessed and highly favored. But as soon as opportunity possesses something we jump head first into it. In this season I am praying for true conviction to set in the hearts of God's people. Many of us are walking around here as the ‘walking dead” and don’t even realize it, and true enough we are all tempted, but it’s the will power that we all should have that keeps us from giving in. so we have different groups of people
1. They don't know any better
2. They just don’t care
3. And you have the "I'm-a-saved Christian-i can-do-what-I-want-and-ask-for-forgiveness-afterwards"
Now what i mean by those that don't know any better are those people who may have some kind of mentally defect about them that affects their thinking. And the select few boundaries that God's word has not reached. Not my sister or brother that says "i wasn't raised in the church." well my friend after you got grown and on your on, it then became your choice to get to know God. It wasn't mamma and daddy fault. IT IS YOUR FAULT!
So! Now you have the,” just don't care” bunch, the ones who say they don't care about life or they are just living it up, most people like this don't believe in God, heaven, and hell. So they live their lives to the fullest in complete sin. And most of the time if you ask them "why did you do this and that", their answer will be: AND! SO WHAT, WHO CARES!"
Now to the I’m-a-saved Christian-i can-do-what-I-want-and-ask-for-forgiveness-afterwards, almost half of the Christians I have come in contact with have this mind set. They live their lives thinking they will die at an old ripe age and then they will ask for their salvation on their death bed. Or they think that they can do whatever and after they are done, they fall on their knees and ask God to forgive them. SMH!! I used to think this way, and it was my own stupidity to the word that i thought this way.
True enough God’s grace and mercy does not run out BECAUSE! He allows us to awaken to each day we open our eyes to, and too allow us to see a whole day through to the next. BUT! Here is an example, i will use myself, when i got shot in my shoulder back in 2007 outside the club, I knew better, without a shadow of a doubt. It was Gods mercy that kept me from bleeding to death while i lay unconscious on the side of the building, he didn’t have to do it but he did. Now another person was shot in the belly that night.
Now, say i died and the other person survived. Think about it, i knew better, i was proclaiming to be a born again Christian; i was not even trying to do the work that God called me to do, but yet I was out drinking and clubbing. So if he let me be taken out in my mess, and other person survived doesn't mean that God took his grace and mercy from me. It simply meant that we don't know our own time on this earth and that’s why we should live every day in the fullness of God, because his word states:
17}For the time has come for judgment to begin at the house of God; and if it begins with us first, what will be the end of those who do not obey the gospel of God?
18 Now, If the righteous one is scarcely saved,Where will the ungodly and the sinner appear?”[
19 Therefore let those who suffer according to the will of God commit their souls to Him in doing good, as to a faithful Creator. 1st Peter 4:1NKJV
We as the saints are barely getting in to heaven, and we will make our paths to get there even harder if we continue to live any kind of way and living in sin. I have seen many peers be taken out right in their mess. There was no time for them to call on God. I am so thankful that I was not that person on my way to hell the night I got shot. People you can’t keep on living in sin and think you have all the time in the world to change your life because each of us has our own life span, and we need to start focusing on what God has called us to do and living for him and not ourselves.
So, first make up in your own mind that you are ready for change and to live for God. Then ask him to deliver you from whatever it is that will keep you from your salvation, remember;
For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. Romans 6-23 KJV
I can speak on this because of where i come from because i was that person that would say i will just ask for forgiveness, I would club, drink, smoke, cursing, shacking up, being a whore. I done it all and i am so thankful that true conviction set in and i got true deliverance. So people let’s get saved for real and turn away from temptations and sin!
Time after time I hear very common statements about people, which consist of he or she used to do this and that, or don’t fool with that person, because they used to be a certain way. So many people are judged by their past ways, failures, and accomplishments. I recently had a statement made to me that really made me stop and think about what people really think about me.
I know the way I used to be; how I used to be out in the world, clubbing, smoking and whoring with whomever I choose. Yes! Change did take place in my life but it didn’t happen overnight. And, upon changing my life I can’t say that I haven’t stumbled along the way, but it’s the God in me that keeps me from going back in to the world.
I know I am doing a little babbling of the top of my head here but hey this is my blog so I can say whatever I want. (LOL). Yes I am a freelance writer and blogger so most people that have this writing style have to ability to write about anything, but a lot of what they may write about is their own personal experiences, and some people may not like what they write about, but nine 9 out of 10 it’s a subject that needs to be talked about publicly. Now own to my point; I recently made a decision that changed my spiritual walk, not with God but with man. And upon my doing this, I was quickly the center of some people’s conversation.
I really didn’t care about it because I know how people can be when they are left in the dark about something that’s none of their business. Well being that I am a writer; I find it very easy to express myself if writing or doing what I am doing now. I can transfer my thoughts on to a piece of paper or in a blog with ease. I put up a question on Face Book a few days ago for a few thoughts from other people before I submitted my piece to a company. I guess I offended a few people they quickly took what they thought was bait or I was being funny and made a status on their own page directed at me.
It was funny to me at first, but then I became angry because I didn’t understand how I can’t exercise my gift of writing and asking for input on certain subjects without being ridiculed. I am a writer and what do people expect me to write about. I made a vow to God that I would only write about things that will help people in their everyday lives, and for him. I quickly deleted some people off my page, and I waited for my phone to start ringing, and sure enough it rang and I got text messages. I responded and told a person to leave me alone and to stop being messy and that they supposed to be saved, but instead of asking me what I meant by my question I was the joke of their conversation on Facebook.
Instead of me ignoring this persons text messages I responded back to each one and it was one text that stuck with me. I was told that I needed help with all my lustful spirits. Immediately I was taken aback, and I was even more vexed than before. I wondered how the fellow church can say such a thing about me just because of a decision I made. And be it told they didn’t have the slightest clue as to why I made this decision. But since they knew of my past they decided that I had fallen and went back. Instead of this person encouraging me the stone they was once throwing at my back, they was known throwing them right in my face. I wasn’t the least bit shocked at this behavior because I expected it, and if I was a weak person I would have went into a shell. And i would be feeling like i was standing in the middle of a clearing with my heart in my hands.
Now some may wonder why I am sharing this, well it’s not to expose anyone, but I am sharing this to say that people we must not judge people off their past, because if we look at our on life path, we would see that we have skeletons in or closets. And to the church folks, you all have no excuses to judge your sisters and brothers just because they had a past of acting out or whatever. Secondly if you even think someone has fell, it’s not your business to get together with the next person laughing and talking about them. This kind of behavior only shows that you need some serious growth yourself. The church is the main place sinners come running to as a safe haven and as a door to God. But the church can’t help them if time the sinner run in their door, they running back out the door because someone has wronged them and stabbed them in the back by judging them, spreading their business, or laughing in their face.
I was very hurt and upset at this incident but after some prayer, I thought of how can you worship with people who only smile in your face and then laugh not only behind your back but they mock you in your face.
We must not continue this kind of behavior in the church, because it will only run the sinners off, and where is the sinner supposed to go if they can’t even trust the church folks. As an old saying goes “you can’t judge a book by its cover”, we as people who call their selves Christians, need to stop saying someone has went back to their old ways, or making up self-assumptions as to why, when someone is having a midlife crisis, they have lost everything, or they walk away from people.
How can one say they are your support system, and when troubles arise in your life, they mock you, lie on you, laugh in your face, call you just to harass you, and when you turn you back to walk away, they stand with others with their rifles unloading them into your back wounding you more than you already was.. When is the madness going to stop, I pray that people get saved for real and learn what shut up means, peeps don’t put your mouth on others situation when you clearly have no idea what’s going on. I say this boldly to those type of people get saved for real with yawl messy saved selves. Stop spreading lies about people! I pray that when you began to put your mouth on others, that God literally shuts your mouth up!
There’s a mirror, Let me take a look in it. Come take a look in the mirror if you want; hmmm.. What do you see? Do you like what you see. I what I see when I look in it but it puzzles me that you don’t seem to see what I see. You say you see a stuck up woman, think she better than everybody else or how did someone put it, “church girl”, others say they see a weak minded person, she’ll never get it. Hmm..you know I’m still confused because that’s not what I see. Maybe you need to take the shades off your eyes and put some 3-d glasses because its seems as though you cant see to well. You call me strange, different, up there, as some has put it. But you know its funny to me that you talking about what I look like but cant seem to see what you look like. But its not my place to tell you what your reflection looks like when you should see for you self. Because “baby” I see in mines I see change, new creature, Gods child, Oh what a beautiful person God has made me to be, but you still have thee nerve to call me ugly. So maybe you need to turn the light on or put a brighter bulb in the socket, because I see a saved and filled with the holy spirit woman. Please tell me how can you say anything about my reflection when your vision is obstructed from your own. You need to clean up some things so you can see clearly, because I believe that you are mixed up. The reflection you claim to be mines. Hmmm… look a little harder.. Familiar face isn’t it. Its not me, but you know you can’t be me, if you looked like me, you wouldn’t be able to fit the shoes. So the next time you start to talk about someone’s else’s reflection, stop and take a look in the mirror.